I have some substantial credit card debt that I’d love to pay, but simply can’t. As such I find no reason to talk to collection agency representative as they don’t believe anything I have to say anyways. So it’s completely futile to even answer their calls. Thankfully my cellphone is really great with its caller ID as all my friends and family show up as their named selves and the collection agencies and law firms come up under “blocked” or “unknown caller.” This is of course secret code for Don’t Answer. Some will come up under a real number, but I’ve taken to only answering calls from number I know. So all those dollars being spent trying to contact me are sadly fruitless. They get my machine and I delete the messages soon as I hear Stern Voice or my full legal name–which no one I know uses so it’s always someone “official.”

I just got a new style of message, it was something like “We have an important personal matter in our office that matters greatly to you but because we respect your privacy we will not discuss it here…” and it goes on. The message was obviously a generic recording that their Dialtron 5000 spits out when voice mail is gotten, and it was a perfect example of Stern Voice.

I wonder if collections agencies just use a voice actor. One day doing collection call messages the next doing laundry soap voice overs or something. Even though I don’t feel threatened by the collection agency I do get a little uneasy by the mere sound of the voice. And it’s always a man’s voice too. In our highly sexist society I suppose women aren’t able or allowed to sound authoritative.

There was a second message shortly thereafter, from the same voice saying, “Because you have not responded to people from this office I am taking the time to call you personally because this is a critical matter you need to address now…” Sure dude! I’m trembling here in my own dripping wet stupidity. Couldn’t they have used another voice actor since that same voice left me a message shortly before as an office worker? And could they make it sound less recorded so that it’s actually sound personal?

So do people really fall for these calls and wonder if they’ve won something, or that random companies are going to ask them important questions out of the blue. “Excuse me ma’am, we’re calling you to inquire if our new Big Business Venture, a joint partnership, is a good idea. We just wanted you to green light this before we proceed.” Do people know they are creditors and are so afraid of not calling and suffering some voodoo curse that they just call despite obviously trying to ignore them? Are people being fooled? They’re so obviously transparent that I must assume it’s just a fear factor issue.

Collection agencies keep records of their last contact with you. Various rules exist for when a debt will simply be written off and discharged for lack of progress in collecting the debt. So it’s in their interest to have contact with you no matter of what sort it is. Phone calls, letters, payments. It’s all the same. Since I have no money to give I see no reason to talk to them. They never listened to my offers or believe anything I’ve ever said so I take no interest in communicating with them. I have absolutely no assets to seize in court, no wages to garnish so outside of them tarnishing my already wretched credit history. At best I’ll hit their limit and the debt will be discharge and at worst I delete messages.

I generally assume when someone or something has a long standing practice that such behavior exists for a reason–that it works. So I’ll assume the debt collection industry has a good history with threatening people in anyway legally possible. It’s a highly regulated industry that is no longer allowed to make harsh threat or harass, but this latest example of Stern Voice sounded like a master talking to a disobedient and dim witted dog. It was macho-stupidity stinking up all over the place. The kind of tone that if someone talked to me like that in real life I’d get all adrenalinized and ready to fight of flight. Or I’d laugh at them and goad the person a bit. If I’m not in danger of negative repercussions I’m quite entertained to help someone work themselves up unnecessarily. This is especially joyful if there the person’s girlfriend is nearby, so that we can exchange glances. She gives me the “I’m sorry he’s being so stupid” looks and I throw back the “and you put up with this” face.