It’s been a long few days. I’ve done a great deal of soul searching and thinking, trying to dream up a new future for myself, or at least a functional present. There’s been much research done on the viability of money making schemes, looking into how other people make money legally and ethically without jobs. Not only looking how money can be made, but how specifically “I” can make money. What fits my skill base, current assets and interests.

I still have a bit of research to do before making my conclusions and drawing up a formal action plan. But I’m progressing and have made various notes and diagrams. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the library plus the usual leaching of wifi here and there to read up and do my research.

Breaking the news

There was much stress this weekend as yesterday was an all family gathering to celebrate a bunch of June birthdays and Father’s Day. This year was extra special as people traveled to make it a family reunion too. It was a great joy to see some people I haven’t seen in a long, long time, but it was also a source of dread.

The last time I saw a couple of these relatives I was still very successful in my career and was riding high on all life had to offer in terms of conventional success. I’ve grown a lot as a person in many amazingly profound ways but I’ve gone from a high rise condo and a very nice income to trying desperately to positively spin living in a beat up crappy looking van.

I don’t think I pulled it off well though and trying to bluff my way through awkward conversations proved to be very challenging. There was so many questions and I just wasn’t feeling on top of my game. I can put positive spins on things and omit facts, but I can’t just come out and claim some lucrative clients or stock market windfalls to allow some hippy fantasy lifestyle as I don’t lie and am horrible at it even if I would try.

Numerous times I saw the pity face being hid behind stoic facades and I don’t think it was my projection onto them. I’ve not been feeling especially well the last few days, part of the reason for not performing well, and I think I was feeling extra down because of it. Not just my physical stresses, but the mental ones of being the family failure. Especially as part of the family that I haven’t seen in a while is the really wealthy section.

These are the folks that wonder when it’s time for vacation whether they should go to the summer home, take a cruise or fly off to some exotic location. Money really isn’t an issue for them and their idea of traveling around in a van would mean a new Sportsmobile or Roadtrek, stays at nice campgrounds and likely a hotel here and there just to take a proper shower and have a night in a normal bed. But all of that is far from what my budget would ever manage.

Still, it was nice to see the cousins that I practically grew up with but now live in distant areas of the country. They used to live really close and geography wasn’t an issue to getting together so they were constant playmates in my youth. It’s funny how their lives have been such a linear path up into tradition wealth and success. One just finished doing their first real estate redevelopment, a old house they’ve restored, and is about to sell and cash it out and start another.

And despite all their money and security I saw the exact same people I saw last time we got together many years back. They’re the exact same people on the exact same paths and little seems to have changed. It makes me wonder how much they’ve grown internally and what changes they’ve had to their deepest core. Fundamentally I’m the same person I was five and even ten years ago, but I’ve dramatically deepened my human experience. I’ve gone places, done things and experimented with life since my employment downturn at the end of 2001 and feel much richer for it–in the non-bankable sense. It’s probably why I don’t get surprised anymore when I hear comments like, “wow, you’re really self-actualized.”

Thankfully, there are things of worth that money just can’t buy. Of these I’m pretty rich.

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