Several people have suggested, in both comments here and emails, that I take donations from folks to help with my expenses. But while I really greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness and compassion I feel I must decline at this point.

I’ve given it a great deal of thought and spent a lot of time with the issue, hence why I haven’t responded yet to the comments, but I felt I had to sort out the issue for myself before sharing the thoughts with the world. As such, I’ve been muddling through this entry for several weeks now.

There’s people with less than I have, the money should go to them.

I have a place to sleep at night, a week of casual clothing that is in good shape and I generally manage to find something to eat somewhere. But yet I read of other people who don’t have such luck and feel the money would better serve them at this point.

Plus I have a small stash of money to live off. It’s not much, that’s for certain, but I’m not in immediate danger of zeroing out financially just yet. This money is of course limited as I no longer have anything of substantial worth that can readily be liquidated and my job searching keeps yielding nothing. But nonetheless I still do have a reserve where some folks are truly penniless.

What I need more than money is a way to make ongoing money.

I need something so that I don’t have to eat away at the little nest egg so that it can be an emergency fund as I don’t have health insurance, credit cards or financially well endowed family members that can offer a buffer in hard times. I need the fishing lessons, not the fish–to speak proverbially.

For many years I’ve worked freelance and gotten my yearly income in just a couple of lump sums throughout the year, so I’m fine with budgeting and allocating for the future. The trouble is that I’m just not working enough and the money from last gig is running short and only exists becuase I took in some money from selling off most of my possessions.

I’ve never taken handouts and would prefer to continue that trend.

In my adult life I’ve only taken money or anything of substance once. My parents once sent me a $1,000 check to help with some long-term medical expenses I was facing. I was undergoing treatments that cost about $115 per week and they knew I was having trouble making ends meet. This was immediately post-9/11 and I was hurting badly for proper employment. I really didn’t want to take it. Dad had worked hard for that money and I was supposed to be a self-sufficient adult. But, Mom wouldn’t have spontaneously mailed it had they not wanted me to have it. Or at least Dad wanted Mom to be happy and Mom wanted me to have the money.

So after it sat on my desk for a couple weeks I finally deposited it–and after some prodding from Mom. I really didn’t want to take it. I was torn though as I really could use it. Mom was the softy of the two and now that dad is a widower I’m sure financial help isn’t coming for pretty much anything. Especially as he’s on a fixed income now and doesn’t have much room for extra spending.

Plenty of times I’ll have people treat me to meals and things like that, but there’s a big difference between being handed twenty bucks by a stranger and going off with a generous friend to have lunch. Then it’s about the conversation and companionship. With handouts it’s all about just being poor.

I don’t want to be indebted or accountable to anyone or made to feel guilty on how I’d spend the money–even if only by the voices in my head.

When I take possession of something I believe that I’m supposed to be a good shepherd of it. I tell myself to take care of it and so does the internalized guilt voice in my head. Like my grandfather who lived through the depression and would milk every bit of life out of everything before getting rid of it and was extremely cheap about everything. Or my mother saying, “but aunt so and so gave you that because they love you” after I wonder why I got three bars of stinky old lady soap. “…that’s perfectly good soap and there’s no reason not to use it. I think it smells nice. And send your aunt a thank you letter when you’re done bathing with it.”

Certainly this is to variable degrees of course, someone passing along a newspaper on the bus doesn’t care what happens to it. But for someone to pass along money they are doing so that another person could benefit from it. But what is that benefit?

I’m not a drug addict or drunk nor am I addicted to gambling, so we can rule out the money being used to enable a vice. But would someone expect it to be spent on food? Gas to keep my van moving? Medical expenses? Could I use it for psychological comfort and treat myself to something frugal but frivolous? Like buying some nail polish to give myself a nice manicure–something that I’ve been really wishing for the last few weeks?

Think Positively

I like to think of myself as a realistic optimist, that good things will happen within reason. Even if I played the lottery I wouldn’t expect to ever win it, hence why I don’t play, and thus I’m not expecting multi-million dollar windfalls. But, I’d like to think some kind of job or freelance gig of some sort will come along to refill my checking account before long. It doesn’t even need to be enough to allow a return to a fixed dwelling with an address, I’d just like some sort of income at this point and I like to think it’ll come. And frankly I’ve been pretty okay with the van dwelling life. Living in a vehicle is challenging in its own ways but I have more important things in my life than just a fixed address. Like getting health insurance and seeing a doctor. It’s been years now since I’ve had proper medical care.
To take money at this point will, in a way, make me admit that my situation is actually pretty dire. I’ve not had any appreciable income for what will soon be half a year now. In fact, I’ve pretty much made nearly nothing. Having worked freelance I’m used to feast and famine, but lean times having been getting increasingly long and the brief breaks of employment decreasingly profitable.

I trust that soon something will snap and good things will come my way.

Pennies from heaven or fool’s gold?

What would happen if suddenly my blog became so popular that I started making a decent enough living off of begging for change electronically? How would that change me? Would I start relying on such generosity from strangers as a crutch instead of trying to find a proper revenue stream from my own labors?

I believe strongly in self-sufficiency and independence. It’s been instilled into me from my very early days and I still believe that wealth shouldn’t come without work or merit of some sort. I don’t want that work to become panhandling to hustle up some money.

Good gooses and good ganders

Other people have paypal donation buttons on their website and I don’t fault them for it. It’s a personal choice. I even wish I had some money to send Kevin Barbieux for his laptop fund as I value his writing. But this online tin cup just isn’t for me, at least not for now. And hopefully the time for having to take outright donations will never come.

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